TW

 Last week I wrote that I had a month or two before everything blew up in my face. Well, it happened quicker than that. Tomorrow, Sunday, my family will find out what I have done. I am terrified. What if they call the police? I am blocking everyone on IG and FB, and on my phone. I can't leave my apartment in fear of being jumped by my family. What if they get the landlord to open the front door?

I have written a suicide letter, just in case. I need to make sure my cat is taken care of. Everything is prepared.

Up the creek

 Well, at least it's down.

Weight: 83.7 kg (-0.5 kg)/184.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 37.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 9.4 kg/20.7 lbs

I am ten kilos/twenty-two pounds from my normal weight as an adult. I used to think I was super fat (which I honestly was) but that's 43 kg/94.8 lbs from my highest. My next goal is to be under 80 kg/176.4 lbs.

I bought a new pair of summer jeans two sizes too small. I tried them on yesterday and even though I had to lie down to zip them up, I'm counting on losing enough weight by summer to be able to stand without them cutting me in half.

Cheat meal of the week was sushi. I haven't had sushi in over two months and have been craving salmon for the past week.

I calculated my BMR and TDEE on My Fitness Pal. BMR was 1369 kcal and TDEE was 1642. For cutting calories, at 500 kcal a day, I got 1142. I am thinking of upping my calories to 1200 from 1000, but I can't decide. That number scares me. Maybe I'll give it a week and see what happens.

I have fucked up pretty much everything regarding my family and within the next one or two months my lies will come out and shit will hit the fan and I won't have any family left, which honestly is nothing less than I deserve. I am so stressed I feel like throwing up all the time.

I want candy

 I lost a fairly good chunk of weight this week, despite no sleep for two nights and quite a lot of candy.

Weight: 84.2 kg (-0.7 kg)/185.6 lbs (-1.6 lbs)

BMI: 37.4

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.9 kg/19.6 lbs

Every afternoon and evening for the past week I've had candy. I measure up 150 g (5.3 ounces) in a small miso soup bowl and lock the rest up in a box with a timer. I think I might have had my period or am ovulating; that's usually when I get candy cravings, and I mean cravings like I could murder someone for a piece of praline.

After my stacker break I decided to start taking one a day, but had to up it to two again to get the kick. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

This week's cheat meal was from McDonald's: half a Big Mac and a Happy meal with half a dry-ass McChicken, a full small fries, and half a bag of apple slices. And a toy; a My Melody plushy. It was too much and I burped Big Mac all evening. Last week I had two chicken souvlaki and a veggie souvlaki (Greek skewers) and I think I might have it next week too, because it was sooo good.

The scab where my seborrheic ketosis was fell off. It's still a crater, but at least it looks better now that it isn't bright red. Kitty kat's scab also seems to get better, which hopefully means he won't need antibiotics. I took the cone off to see if he can leave it alone, otherwise it goes back on.

Poor kitty

  A tiny loss, but I have been poppin' candy like a mad woman. Stress eating galore.

Weight: 84.9 kg (-0.2 kg)/187.2 lbs (-0.4 lbs)

BMI: 37.7

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.2 kg/18.1 lbs

I am so fucking tired of reading about people losing weight on semaglutide (people who doesn't even have diabetes) and here I am downing stackers because my doctor don't want to prescribe me Rybelsus.

The good news: the spot on my nose is probably not cancer. The doc I saw said it's likely Seborrheic keratosis, and I quote from Wikipedia: "seborrheic keratosis is a non-cancerous skin tumour that originates from cells, namely keratinocytes, in the outer layer of the skin called the epidermis. Like liver spots, seborrheic keratoses are seen more often as people age." So, Mother Nature is basically telling me to stop lying about my age. There is another name for SK in Swedish. Gubbmossa. That means "old man's moss." The doctor simply lifted it off with her nails (she was wearing gloves) and exposed the raw skin under. It didn't hurt and still doesn't; I clean it a couple of times a day with alsol and have another appointment next Friday. It does look like a crater, though.

The bad news: my cat has a big boo boo. He developed a bump under his jaw that had to be cut open and emptied of pus and now he has to wear a cone and is miserable. I have to force feed him anti inflammatory meds and pain killers once a day. Next vet appointment is on Monday, and hopefully the tests will show it was just a boil and not cancer. I can't afford cancer.

Google is not your friend

 I gained, but that's not my biggest problem right now.

Weight: 85.1 kg (+0.5 kg)/187.6 lbs (+1.1 lbs)

BMI: 37.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8 kg/17.6 lbs

I took my last penicillin pill Thursday and my first stacker Friday. The spot on my nose is no better so I'm heading to the GP Tuesday so they can write me a referral to a dermatologist. I am worried. I've had/have two relatives with skin cancer; one died.

Oh my.

  Well, well, well, I actually lost weight.

Weight: 84.6 kg (-1.1 kg)/186.5 lbs (-2.4 lbs)

BMI: 37.6

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.5 kg/10.6 lbs

I've been on antibiotics since Monday a week ago because of a mysterious spot on my nose. The doctor (not my usual one) couldn't say what it is, so he prescribed antibiotics and if it doesn't get better I have to get back to him. I decided to stop taking stackers for the duration so I've been *clean* for over a week. I haven't really watched my eating, so I was very surprised when I weighed myself yesterday and had lost over a kilo in one week. It's only because my stomach is VERY upset due to the antibiotics. I haven't been able to leave my flat in several days. I was supposed to have Easter dinner at my sister's on Saturday, but had to stay home because I didn't dare taking the bus so far (30 minutes).

So tired

 I haven't taken stackers for several days, I needed a break (should be eight weeks on, two weeks off).

Weight: 85.7 kg (+0.9 kg)/188.9 lbs (+1.9 lbs)

BMI: 38.1

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 7.4 kg/8.2 lbs

As soon as I stop taking stackers I gain, a lot. I hate taking stackers, I hate hate hate it, but what choice do I have? I have to see a doctor next week for something else and if it's my personal GP I am going to ask her about Rybelsus again. I can't go on like this.

A short one

  Aaand I gained it back.

Weight: 84.8 kg (+0.5 kg)/187 lbs (+1.2 lbs)

BMI: 37.7

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.3 kg/10.1 lbs

I didn't sleep for two nights because the fucking pharmacist couldn't read the fucking computer screen and give me my fucking sleeping pills. I am still upset and I am never going back to that pharmacy. He made me think that I couldn't get any new until two weeks ahead and it wasn't until I was home again that I remembered that I was short on pills because I only got half my prescription the last time. So, back downtown the next day (in the pouring rain) to another pharmacy where the lady did know how to fucking read and I finally got my goddamn pills. I was so tired Friday and Saturday after the sleepless nights that I was shaking. I slept for 13 hours Saturday/Sunday night.

Finally!

 I lost a kilo this week, but it was hard. 

Weight: 84.3 kg (-1 kg)/185.8 lbs (-2.3 lbs)

BMI: 37.5

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 9.2 kg/20.3 lbs

Monday morning my new doctor called again and this time I answered. Among other things we discussed my weight loss (or rather, lack of). She told me about the city's free health centre where they can help with things such as diets and I told her my diet's fine and that I eat around a thousand calories a day. "Oh, that's a bit on the low side," she said. "Well, I am 85 kilos, I need to lose weight," I said, and that part of the conversation sort of ended there. Since my blood test results were so good I asked if I could cut down on my diabetes meds because one of the side effects is a VERY upset stomach, and she said I could halve the dose. Then she said that somewhere in the future we could discuss Rybelsus again. Fingers crossed. We never touched on the topic of stackers.

My Saturday cheat meal turned into a binge. Nine nuggets and a Happy Meal with a cheeseburger, fries and baby carrots. A day later and I am still nauseated.

I'm getting a lot of money back on my taxes so I bought myself a Garmin Venu Sq 2 smartwatch and I love it. It was well worth the money and it keeps excellent track of everything. I also bought myself a new phone, a Motorola Moto G84.

Old new clothes

 

I gained, but I am not surprised. I only slept a few hours between Tuesday and Friday and the whole week was a shit show.

 

Weight: 85.3 kg (+0.2 kg)/188.1 lbs (+0.5 lbs)

BMI: 37.9

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.2 kg/18 lbs

I wrote my doctor's office an email asking for Rybelsus (oral semaglutide, for diabetes 2) after my nurse decided I didn't need it. I told them about my stackers. I told them my weight and BMI. I told them about my high blood pressure and cholesterol. I told them I couldn't lose the weight on my own. A couple of days later I got the answer that their diabetes doc didn't think I should change medications. So that was that. I am so fucking disappointed. I also wrote in my letter that I DON'T want them to call me, DON'T in capital letters; that if they wanted to contact me it had to be through the health app. They scheduled a call for Friday morning. I did not answer.

I wasn't supposed to have a cheat meal this week due to the gain, but then I thought "fuck it" and had one of my all-time favourites: Kraft's Mac 'n' Cheese with a can of tuna and Heinz ketchup with less salt and sugar. It was my staple food when I lived in the States, real comfort food, and I needed some fucking comfort. Then I bit into something hard and almost threw up, so I ended up eating only half.

I found a box full of clothes that I bought some years ago when I thought I was going to lose weight but never did, but now I am, so suddenly I have a lot of clothes that fit. Three sets of pyjamas (my two Nightmare Before Christmas finally fit!), tops, summer clothes, oh my!

Semlor

 Another tiny loss, but considering I gained during the week I'm happy with any loss. I was at 86.1 kg a couple of days ago! Probably water weight, but still. I almost fainted when I saw the number.

Weight: 85.1 kg (-0.4 kg)/187.6 lbs (-0.9 lbs)

BMI: 37.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.4 kg/18.5 lbs

I tried on a sports bra I bought some years back but never fit into, and now I do (I use one when sleeping). All my old bras are too large now and I use my only two *skinny* bras (80E/36DD) so I had to order some new from Germany. I also tried on my (vegan) leather jacket that I've had for three years and I can finally close the zipper! Granted, I can't breathe, but that day will come.

Now I remember why I stopped eating shirataki noodles; the texture was like eating worms. I took one bite and almost barfed.

I had a semla. A traditional semla is a cardamom bun filled with almond paste and whipped cream, but I bought an Ettan semla, where the almond paste is mixed in with the cream. It used to be eaten on Fat Tuesday, but nowadays they start selling them earlier. If I could I would eat them every day because I fucking love semlor. Unfortunately so does my cat, so I had to sneak eat it. Fun fact: king Adolf Frederick of Sweden ate himself to death, polishing off the last dinner with fourteen semlor. They're that good.

My doc at the psychiatric hospital has let me go. It was sort of mutual. I am at a stable level and have been for the last year (because I always lie when he asks me how I am doing) and there is nothing else they can offer me that I haven't tried before. My regular doctor will be responsible for my prescriptions from now on, so we'll see how that goes.

My cheat meal of the week was nine McD nuggets with curry dip and an apple pie.

Help, I've fallen and can't get up

 What a week. Why can't I sleep? Why is my weight loss so slow? Don't answer that, please.

Weight: 85.5 kg (-0.5 kg)/188.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 38

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8 kg/17.6 lbs

I had this week's cheat meal on Friday, when li'l bro and I went to see mum and we had take-away. Orange chicken, spicy lime chicken and fried rice for me, with a large lingonberry juice.

I have fallen into the hole that is Amberlynn Reid. I was just going to watch a reaction video on YouTube by Sean of Steel (love that guy) and now I can't stop. One part of me feels sorry for her childhood and one part, the largest part, makes me want to slap some sense into her. Stop eating all that junk! Get moving! Be nicer to people, especially your girlfriends (poor Destiny, I really liked her)!

I've finally started using my cross trainer. Holy crap, my legs! I can't do any long stretches yet, but I get on it several times a day. I do not calculate calories burned because that doesn't matter since I don't eat them back (it's too imprecise for me).

In my quest for the ideal dinner I have decided to give shirataki noodles another go. I went online to one of my two favourite Japanese/Asian stores and ordered both ramen and udon spice mixes to spice them up a bit. Eating 650 calories a day is fine, albeit a bit boring, but even if I eat shirataki noodles with a curry sauce the whole day is still under 1000 calories so I should be okay. Right?

I've been bitching about how the only thing that's slimmed down so far are my ankles, but today in the shower I noticed that I now can see my navel. My stomach used to be so big and taut that the navel was sort of underneath, but now it has migrated north. It's those little things.

What I eat in a day, photo edition:

Brunch (12:30pm) is a protein shake (ice coffee) with collagen and Dulcosoft Plus (to soften my stool). Not pictured is the unsweetened almond milk (250 ml). ~237 calories.

Dinner (4pm) is one of three different miso soups. 160 ml, 30 calories.

Or...

Rose hip soup or blueberry soup, both without added sugar. 36/38 calories for 200 ml.

Evening meal (7pm) is an ice lolly, a carrot, two crisp bread, and, as a backup, one out of two N!CK's protein bars (coconut or peanut caramel). ~375 calories.

My daily supplements. Oxytarm (to get my bowels moving), Silicea, PlaqueOff, Sun, vitamin D with ginger and turmeric, B complex with vitamin C, and Omega 3 Forte (I take 2000mg).

I added the rose hip and blueberry soups so I get some variety. I don't feel comfortable eating soy every day, because it can fuck up your thyroid.

Depressing update (sorry)

I am so mad at myself. I didn't sleep the night before Friday and of course it showed on the scale: I gained Friday and ended up higher on Saturday than on Thursday. I had lost a kilo and was under 86 kilos ffs!😠

Weight: 86 kg (-0.7 kg)/189.6 lbs (-1.5 lbs)

BMI: 38.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 7.5 kg/16.5 lbs

I've changed my diet again. The chicken just didn't work anymore; I almost puked and that was the end of that. Now I'm having a protein shake with unsweetened almond milk (instead of water) and collagen powder for breakfast (~240 kcal), miso soup for dinner (30 kcal), then two crisp bread, a carrot, a protein bar, and an ice lolly in the evening (~375 kcal). A bit over 640 calories, less if I skip the protein bar. MFP is not happy with me.

I have been super triggered lately after seeing my brother's fiancée for the first time since Christmas. She's on a diet and you can already see it on her face. She's a big girl, not as fat as me though, and I feel like a fucking hippo next to her. My face still looks fat, but hey, my ankles are even slimmer! Awesome.

My cheat meal this week was half a sub (turkey, sweet onion dressing) which I didn't finish because it was drenched in dressing although I told the idiot I just wanted a little, and a chocolate chip cookie. I also had a Jarritos Guava.

A woman complimented my feet a couple of days ago; she thought they were cute (I wear size 36/5.5 US/3.5 UK). That is the kindest someone has been to me since I lived in the States ages ago and a woman said I was cute (she was high as a kite). Not even my exes told me anything like that, on the contrary. After we broke up, the last one told me how embarrassed he had been over my looks after his work mates and brother told him how fat and ugly I was. So, yeah, that was fun.

I had a meeting with my diabetes nurse on Friday morning (that's why I couldn't sleep the night before). I asked her if I could quit Metformin and try Rybelsus (oral Semaglutide) instead, since I have heard a lot of good about Rybselsus and weight loss. She shot that down pretty quickly, because she thinks I can lose the weight without it just because I've lost 30 kilos (66.1 lbs) since my all-time highest of 116 kilos (255.7 lbs). I just wanted to cry. I want to stop taking stackers because I know what they're doing to my heart, but I just can't cope on my own. I can't tell her that though, because stackers are illegal in my country and I sure as hell don't want to be labelled a druggie.

Short update

 Slowly downwards. I can't remember the last time I was under 87 kg. Hell, I can't remember the last time I was under 90.

Weight: 86.7 kg (-0.4 kg)/191.1 lb (-0.9 lb)

BMI: 38.5

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 6.8 kg/15 lb

Sleep has not improved. Eating is so-so. I have discovered carrots.

Yesterday's cheat meal was a large mama sushi (i.e. vegetarian) but I didn't finish it; the rolls were too thick, so I only had two.

Tired

 I only lost 0.3 kg/0.66 lb this week, but considering I've barely been sleeping for several days I'll take it. At least it's down.

Weight: 87.1 kg (-0.3 kg)/192 lbs (-0.7 lb)

BMI: 38.7

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 6.4 kg/14.1 lbs

After some waffling I decided to try 5:2 (intermittent fasting) again. Didn't work; I ended up binging during the night. 

I woke up at 1pm Saturday so no cheat meal that day; had my sub today Sunday instead. Half white bread, turkey, vegs (salad, pickles, extra red onion, black olives) with a little bit of sweet onion dressing, as well as salt and pepper. I also had a chocolate chip cookie because they are the shit.

It's 6pm and I'm off to bed.

Updated diet and macros

 FINALLY! I have finally passed 88 kilos! I've been gaining and losing the same two kilos over and over again, but today, glory of glories, I am down to 87!

Weight: 87.4 kg (-1 kg)/192.7 lbs (-2.2 lbs)

BMI: 38.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 6.1 kg/13.4 lbs

This weeks cheat meal was nine nuggets from McD with curry sauce and an apple pie. I cannot fathom how I could eat 20 pieces on my own, back when. Nine almost floored me!

I've already grown tired of wax beans, so I decided to eat mixed beans instead with my chicken; borlotti beans (a.k.a. cranberry beans), kidney beans and cannellini beans (a.k.a. white kidney beans), all fairly high in protein. I also changed my macros at MFP to a higher protein number and a lower carb limit.

I've been weighing myself daily instead of just Saturdays, and lately Wednesdays to check that I'm on the right track. I don't know if I'll keep doing that, because the last time I weighed myself everyday it spiraled out of control, but it is so satisfying seeing the graph slope downwards - until it doesn't. Then I usually binge because fuck it, I'm always gonna be fat so who cares, and down that road madness lies.

I stopped taking Olanzapine/Zyprexa without consulting my doctor. What I feared most wasn't the paranoia or the hallucinations, but that my sleep would get even worse, which is exactly what happened, so I'm back on it again. It truly is the Devil's crack cocaine though and I am tired of being ravenous with hunger every night after I've taken it, but being awake just makes me bored and then I eat because I have zero self-control when I'm bored, so it is what it is. I was on a fairly low dose, 10mg, but started taking 20 mg. I need my sleep.

New scales, new diet

 I finally got my new scales (Whitings Body) so from now on I can be certain of my weight.

Weight: 88.4 kg (-1.1 kg)/194.9 lbs (-2.4 lbs)

BMI: 39.3

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 5.1 kg/11.2 lbs

It's a useful set, showing weight and BMI, but also, of all things, the weather forecast. There are other measurements too, but you need to download an app that sucked and buy a subscription, and I just can't be arsed. Number of steps is redundant, because I usually don't walk even 2000 steps a day. I need to do something about that. I have a cross trainer, but I don't use it, I don't know why. It's better than going outside, which I rarely do.

I've grown very tired of quark and Greek yoghurt, so I switched to a protein shake (ice coffee, sooo delicious) in the morning, made with unsweetened almond milk, and plain chicken and wax beans with sriracha mayo for dinner. I've also decided to stop eating my usual (kinda large) piece of chocolate in the evening and stick with a protein bar instead. This means that more of my calories come from protein instead of carbs, and I'm not eating as much dairy as I used to do (I'm slightly lactose intolerant).

The cheat meal of the week was a humongous falafel in bread, with garlic dressing and extra onion. My tummy hurts.

Feeling sorry for myself

 I am so freaking sick. My head is full of snot and my throat feels like I've deep-throated a cactus.

Weight: 89.5 kg/197.3 lbs

BMI: 39.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 4 kg/8.8 lbs

I don't know how accurate that gain is, because my boobs have lost so much weight that I can use the bras I bought for a thinner me. I suspect it's water weight. My feet are so bloated that my shoes and fuzzy slippers feel a size too small and my pants are hugging my calves. I have ordered a new set of scales, because my old one is first of all over ten years old and second it can show three different weights after each other depending on how I breathe. New batteries have not helped.

Right now it's -21C (-5.8F) and I am LOVING it. Snow, sun and several degrees minus; it doesn't get much better than this. It's so beautiful! I'd rather have -21C than +21C any day. Unfortunately I slipped and fell Tuesday and hurt myself pretty bad; my whole left side is still in pain, and my knee hurts like the blazes.