It could have been better

 Well, at least it's down.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 75.9 kg (-1.1 kg)/167.3 lbs (-2.5 lbs)

BMI: 33.8

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 10 kg/22.1 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 180

Monday - 0

Tuesday - 2481

Wednesday - 753

Thursday - 947

Friday - 720

Saturday - 1750 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

I started eating again. I thought keeping under 1000 calories would be enough, but obviously not, so I will try to go back to heavy restricting next week.

Turns out I did ovulate a few weeks back when my weight loss stalled, because I just got my period, i.e. three drops.

Had a large cheat meal Saturday: a Big Mac, a small fries, and a Daim McFlurry. Shouldn't have had the Flurry, too much lactose for my poor stomach. Lesson learned. I also had a roll of Menthos Fanta and six Japanese Yuzu gummies.

Finally

 I think it's safe to say that I finally broke that damn plateau around 79 kg. 

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 77 kg (-1.7 kg)/169.8 lbs (-3.7 lbs)

BMI: 34.2

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 8.9 kg/19.6 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 534

Monday - 457

Tuesday - 314

Wednesday - 379

Thursday - 224

Friday - 379

Saturday - 302 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

I've been so weak from not eating enough, but I don't have anything to eat, really, except for crisp bread. I tried to drink my protein shakes with water but it was worse than pond water. 

My sleep has been kinda bad this week too, mainly because we're in the middle of the November Sumo tournament. Due to the time difference between Sweden and Japan the broadcast doesn't start until 1.30am and if I'm awake at that time I will watch it (in bed) until it ends at 10am.

No cheat meal Saturday. I have American pancake mix and Kraft Mac n Cheese, but both felt too rich on an empty stomach.

Not enough

 My weight has fluctuated a lot this week, mainly because my sleep has been abysmal.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 78.7 kg (-0.1 kg)/173.5 lbs (-0.2 lbs)

BMI: 35

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 7.2 kg/15.9 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 901

Monday - 898

Tuesday - 1130

Wednesday - 1005

Thursday - 783

Friday - 778

Saturday - 862 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

There's one and a half week until I get paid and I have zero money. Zero. I have one carton of almond milk left, but thankfully a lot of protein powder, which I can make with water (yuck, though). Some cheese, a box of Finn Crisp bread. No protein bars, no grapes. No wet food for my cat, only kibbles which he hates.

Obviously no cheat meal this week.

Plateauing

 I've been eating under 800 calories this week and still stayed the same weight. Frustrating, but what can you do. My sneaky period has been playing around (I think it's been three months since I last had one) or maybe I'm just plateauing. I am also not sleeping as well as I should.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 79.8 kg (0 kg)/175.9 lbs (0 lbs)

BMI: 35.5

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 7.9 kg/13.5 lbs

I renewed my Rybelsus prescription in the middle of the night Thursday/Friday asking for 14mg, with one blister pack of eight 7mg pills left. I didn't have high hopes of getting it approved but they didn't object, so the pills will arrive Monday or Tuesday. Friday morning I decided I didn't want to wait and took two 7mg pills. I'm still not paying for my medications (perks of living in a socialist hell hole) but in the end of November my "high-cost protection" for the year ends so from then I have to pay 2500 SEK (250 USD) for my meds until I reach another year without having to pay. It won't take long, since my Rybelsus alone costs over 3000 SEK (around 300 USD) but it's a lot of money in one go and I'm not looking forward to it.

My Saturday cheat meal was supposed to be Kraft's Mac n Cheese, but I wasn't that hungry so I had a protein shake instead; Cinnamon bun flavour, my new favourite.

I'm craving red grapes. But I won't cave, no sir, I won't. Really.

In the seventies!

Sixth week done! I've been on 7mg of Rybelsus for two weeks now and my hunger has totally disappeared.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Current weight (since last week in parentheses): 79.8 kg (-1.5 kg)/175.9 lbs (-3.3 lbs) (BMI: 35.5)

Total weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 6.1 kg/13.5 lbs

I AM IN THE SEVENTIES!!! I haven't been in the seventies since uni!

I didn't eat anything Thursday, because I ran out of almond milk and the crisp bread made me want to puke. Had a big mug of turmeric tea with honey, and one large tumbler (450 ml) of water.

My Saturday cheat meal was half a sub from Subway (ended up eating half of it). I always get the same thing: turkey on white bread, extra cheese, lettuce, pickles, extra red onion, and black olives; usually with a little Sweet Onion dressing, curry if I feel adventurous (just over 300 calories depending on dressing). I remember a time when a foot-long didn't fill me up. I would eat one plus a cookie and still have dinner later in the day, which is unbelivable now that I think about it. Now a half makes me more than satiated.

I stopped eating the crisp bread and Laughing Cow cheese and switched to Finn Crisp sourdough rye bread instead.

I bought a safe, a small box one, to keep my protein bars in so I can't binge (when they arrive). I'm going to keep the key in my KitchenSafe with the rest of the bars so I can't unlock it until daytime, when I take out the protein bar I'm having for my evening meal. The things we have to do...

On and on...

 It's been a though week food wise - I have almost nothing to eat. The perks of being poor on disability. 

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 81.3 kg (-1.4 kg)/179.2 lbs (-3.1 lbs)

BMI: 36.1

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 4.6 kg/10.2 lbs

I still feel a bit queezy during the day after taking my Rybelsus pill and it lasts well into the evening, so I don't want to eat. I only have my protein shake for breakfast because of meds that have to be taken with food, and two crisp bread with meds for my evening meal. I've have grown terribly tired of both quark, Greek and ordinary yoghurt, so I've been skipping dinner altogether (can't afford to buy anything else). The next time I get paid I will redo my menu: Protein shake with collagen powder for breakfast, another protein shake for dinner (without extra collagen) and a protein bar for evening meal. This adds up to 578 calories, 89 grams of protein, and 19 grams of carbs (I do not count net carbs). I really have to cut down on daily carbs and add more protein, so this menu is much better than the ice lollies and crisp bread one I have now. Except I ran out of ice lollies about a week ago. I've been eating under 350 calories for days.

I was supposed to have American pancakes for my cheat meal Saturday, but I was not hungry at all so I skipped it. 

Ah, yes

 I am so happy! I lost over a kilo this week and it didn't feel like I had to make myself not eat. I just wasn't hungry.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 82.7 kg (-1.3 kg)/182.3 lbs (-2.9 lbs)

BMI: 36.8

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 3.2 kg/7.1 lbs

I started taking 7 mg of Rybelsus Friday morning, as prescribed by my doctor (well, not exactly; she is out of the office for a few weeks so someone else did it. I was terrified they wouldn't). I have been feeling nauseated since Friday which have kept down intake. I was going to cheat and take an extra 3 mg, but right now it doesn't feel like I need to.

I decided to check my BMR and TDEE on SailRabbit since it was some kilos ago since I last did it. BMR was 1359 and TDEE 1494 (I am very inactive, usually keeping under 2000 steps a day). Minus 500 calories makes it 994 calories a day for a weight loss of half a kilo per week. I eat around 6-700 a day so I am at least under that.

My Saturday cheat meal this week was two cinnamon buns, since Friday was Cinnamon Bun Day. I also bought half a kilo of my favorite red seedless grapes (Dole's Apulia Rosé). It was that or the huge bag of pick n mix candy I *wanted* to buy. I also crave orange juice, but I just can't. 900 ml is almost 400 calories and it's just not worth it. I'd rather have the grapes (300 calories for 500 g).

Fuck

  Un-fucking-believable. I must be the only one who actually GAINS on semaglutide (me and Amberlynn Reid).

Weight: 84 kg (+1.7 kg)/185.2 lbs (+3.8 lbs)

BMI: 37.3

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 1.9 kg/4.2 lbs

I started taking an extra Rybelsus Wednesday (so now I take 6 mg) because I could feel myself getting hungrier, but so far it hasn't helped. I gained almost two kilos in less than one week! I binged, plain and simple, on crisp bread with spicy tuna spreadable cheese, red grapes and granola for two days in a row. I am ashamed of myself and I obviously didn't have a cheat meal this Saturday. No more granola in the house, no more fruit except for Granny Smith apples (can't binge on that). Thank the gods I can barely afford to buy food this month. The money I do have has to cover cat food for the next three weeks. I have enough protein shakes, quark, Laughing Cow cheese and crisp bread to last me until I get paid in October.

I am supposed to contact my doctor next week to update her on how it's going with the Rybelsus and I really have to make sure she understands that I need to go up to 7mg per day. If I take an extra 3mg it will make it 10mg a day, which I feel comfortable with. Not telling her that, though.

Second week on Rybelsus

 Yikes, nowhere close to where I wanted to be this week.

Weight: 82.3 kg (-1.2 kg)/181.4 lbs (-2.7 lbs)

BMI: 36.6

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 3.6 kg/8 lbs

I am very disappointed. I've been eating well below 800 calories per day this week except for one day when I had 1300 (last Sunday, so it's been almost a week). I'm still on the lowest dose of Rybelsus (3 mg) and will be so for another two weeks. I fear for what will come before I can go up to 7 mg. 

I've added granola to my dinner of quark. It is a huge difference, despite using so little. It's something to chew on and it adds fiber which I desperately need.

I splurged on a large cheat meal this Saturday: two chicken souvlaki (skewers) and one with grilled vegetables.

First week done

 First week of Rybelsus done. I haven't weighed this *little* in years (everything is relative). The only negative side effect I've noticed is that I am a bit constipated. On the plus side, I seem to sleep better: I fall asleep sooner and wake up earlier, and I don't feel sluggish during the day.

Weight: 83.5 kg (-2.4 kg)/184.1 lbs (-5.3 lbs)

BMI: 37.1

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 2.4 kg/5.3 lbs

Sure, I could have lost more. I ate over 1000 calories twice (when I was up all night) but stayed under 800 kcal the other days. I didn't exercise in any way. I'm usually under 1500 steps a day since I can't leave my apartment (social phobia yay). My crosstrainer is still functioning as a clothes rack and book case.

My cheat meal last Saturday was pasta. I ate three mouthfulls and then I couldn't stomach anymore and almost threw up. So, a win I guess. Cheat meal this Saturday were three American pancakes with Mrs Butterworth's syrup. Heaven on a plate! Just having warm food was certainly a treat.

Blah

 I don't understand. I ate around 1000 calories a day this week and still didn't lose more than 100 grams. Why?

Weight: 85.7 kg/188.9 lbs

BMI: 38.1

Weight loss since July 14, 2024: -1.8 kg/4 lbs

I haven't been outside for nine days.

I skipped the cheat meal Saturday, I was to tired to cook.

What a week

 This past week has been horrid. Little sleep, lots of ice lollies, proper food (in contrast to quark for dinner). I didn't even logg all my calories on MFP; I was too scared to see the numbers. I'm just glad I didn't gain this week.

Weight: 86.1 kg/189.8 lbs

BMI: 38.3

Weight loss since July 14, 2024: -1.5 kg/-3.3 lbs

Six and a half weeks after surgery I could finally take off the big-ass plaster on my nose. I only have to cover it up if I go outside to protect the baby skin from the sun, but I no longer need it at home. It's a dark pink crater the size of a thumb print, but I really don't care. 

My cheat meal Saturday was four American pancakes (instead of the usual three) but it was well below my calorie limit, so I had another one Sunday: House Foods Japanese curry with Japanese rice (340 kcal).

My family called the cops on me again. Then my brother came over and rang my door bell and knocked on the door for like half an hour. I was sitting on the edge of my bed just crying, wishing him to go away.

On the wagon, again

  I have started with rather heavy restriction again, trying to quickly lose the extra weight I gained when my life collapsed. I allow myself 1100 calories per day (TDEE minus 500 calories) but this week I usually ate less. My average from Sunday 14th to Friday 19th was 916 calories per day (Saturday is cheat meal-day). The only thing I didn't count were my six kinds of supplements per day.

Weight: 86.1 kg/189.8 lbs

BMI: 38.3

Weight loss since July 14, 2024: -1.5 kg/-3.3 lbs

Highest weight this week was 88.7 kilos/195.6 lbs on the 16th, so I lost 2.6 kilos/5.7 lbs in three days. I barely slept the night Friday/Saturday so the scale didn't move Saturday morning.

My meal plan this week has been very ARFID Plus/OCD-ish. Protein shake with added collagen powder made with unsweetened almond milk (instead of water) for breakfast (240 kcal); dinner 150 g of quark (80 kcal) or yoghurt (120 kcal); and evening meal of four thin small crisp bread with two wedges of Laughing Cow cheese and two ice lollies (320 kcal). I allowed myself one extra ice lolly (55 kcal) during the day if I felt the urge to binge, as well as one Pepsi Max (2 kcal). I had some normal-sized crisp bread with vegan caviar twice and THREE extra ice lollies one night when I couldn't sleep.

This week's Saturday cheat meal was supposed to be half a sub from Subway and perhaps even a chocolate chip cookie, but then life happened and I just couldn't make myself take the bus downtown, so I had a ProPud Chocolate Milkshake, some chocolate chip cookies, two crisp bread with vegan caviar and a small bowl of cherries instead.

Sleeping and eating myself to death

 I gained seven kilos when everything fell apart. I sleep most of the time and have "breakfast" at 2pm (a protein shake) and then I eat a humongous amount of crap in the evening after I've gone to bed at 6pm. Sleep is such a sweet release.

I cut off all my hair, pretty much, and dyed it black. I've had red hair since I was 16, with short breaks for pink and purple.

I'm seeing my doctor in a week's time. We're going to discuss changing my diabetes medication. I just want some fricking semaglutide, how hard can it be? I have diabetes so what's the effing problem? I don't want to change my GP office, but if that's what it's going to take to find a doctor who takes me seriously, what choice do I have?

Up the creek

 Well, at least it's down.

Weight: 83.7 kg (-0.5 kg)/184.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 37.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 9.4 kg/20.7 lbs

I am ten kilos/twenty-two pounds from my normal weight as an adult. I used to think I was super fat (which I honestly was) but that's 43 kg/94.8 lbs from my highest. My next goal is to be under 80 kg/176.4 lbs.

I bought a new pair of summer jeans two sizes too small. I tried them on yesterday and even though I had to lie down to zip them up, I'm counting on losing enough weight by summer to be able to stand without them cutting me in half.

Cheat meal of the week was sushi. I haven't had sushi in over two months and have been craving salmon for the past week.

I calculated my BMR and TDEE on My Fitness Pal. BMR was 1369 kcal and TDEE was 1642. For cutting calories, at 500 kcal a day, I got 1142. I am thinking of upping my calories to 1200 from 1000, but I can't decide. That number scares me. Maybe I'll give it a week and see what happens.

I have fucked up pretty much everything regarding my family and within the next one or two months my lies will come out and shit will hit the fan and I won't have any family left, which honestly is nothing less than I deserve. I am so stressed I feel like throwing up all the time.

I want candy

 I lost a fairly good chunk of weight this week, despite no sleep for two nights and quite a lot of candy.

Weight: 84.2 kg (-0.7 kg)/185.6 lbs (-1.6 lbs)

BMI: 37.4

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.9 kg/19.6 lbs

Every afternoon and evening for the past week I've had candy. I measure up 150 g (5.3 ounces) in a small miso soup bowl and lock the rest up in a box with a timer. I think I might have had my period or am ovulating; that's usually when I get candy cravings, and I mean cravings like I could murder someone for a piece of praline.

After my stacker break I decided to start taking one a day, but had to up it to two again to get the kick. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

This week's cheat meal was from McDonald's: half a Big Mac and a Happy meal with half a dry-ass McChicken, a full small fries, and half a bag of apple slices. And a toy; a My Melody plushy. It was too much and I burped Big Mac all evening. Last week I had two chicken souvlaki and a veggie souvlaki (Greek skewers) and I think I might have it next week too, because it was sooo good.

The scab where my seborrheic ketosis was fell off. It's still a crater, but at least it looks better now that it isn't bright red. Kitty kat's scab also seems to get better, which hopefully means he won't need antibiotics. I took the cone off to see if he can leave it alone, otherwise it goes back on.

Old new clothes

 

I gained, but I am not surprised. I only slept a few hours between Tuesday and Friday and the whole week was a shit show.

 

Weight: 85.3 kg (+0.2 kg)/188.1 lbs (+0.5 lbs)

BMI: 37.9

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.2 kg/18 lbs

I wrote my doctor's office an email asking for Rybelsus (oral semaglutide, for diabetes 2) after my nurse decided I didn't need it. I told them about my stackers. I told them my weight and BMI. I told them about my high blood pressure and cholesterol. I told them I couldn't lose the weight on my own. A couple of days later I got the answer that their diabetes doc didn't think I should change medications. So that was that. I am so fucking disappointed. I also wrote in my letter that I DON'T want them to call me, DON'T in capital letters; that if they wanted to contact me it had to be through the health app. They scheduled a call for Friday morning. I did not answer.

I wasn't supposed to have a cheat meal this week due to the gain, but then I thought "fuck it" and had one of my all-time favourites: Kraft's Mac 'n' Cheese with a can of tuna and Heinz ketchup with less salt and sugar. It was my staple food when I lived in the States, real comfort food, and I needed some fucking comfort. Then I bit into something hard and almost threw up, so I ended up eating only half.

I found a box full of clothes that I bought some years ago when I thought I was going to lose weight but never did, but now I am, so suddenly I have a lot of clothes that fit. Three sets of pyjamas (my two Nightmare Before Christmas finally fit!), tops, summer clothes, oh my!

Semlor

 Another tiny loss, but considering I gained during the week I'm happy with any loss. I was at 86.1 kg a couple of days ago! Probably water weight, but still. I almost fainted when I saw the number.

Weight: 85.1 kg (-0.4 kg)/187.6 lbs (-0.9 lbs)

BMI: 37.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.4 kg/18.5 lbs

I tried on a sports bra I bought some years back but never fit into, and now I do (I use one when sleeping). All my old bras are too large now and I use my only two *skinny* bras (80E/36DD) so I had to order some new from Germany. I also tried on my (vegan) leather jacket that I've had for three years and I can finally close the zipper! Granted, I can't breathe, but that day will come.

Now I remember why I stopped eating shirataki noodles; the texture was like eating worms. I took one bite and almost barfed.

I had a semla. A traditional semla is a cardamom bun filled with almond paste and whipped cream, but I bought an Ettan semla, where the almond paste is mixed in with the cream. It used to be eaten on Fat Tuesday, but nowadays they start selling them earlier. If I could I would eat them every day because I fucking love semlor. Unfortunately so does my cat, so I had to sneak eat it. Fun fact: king Adolf Frederick of Sweden ate himself to death, polishing off the last dinner with fourteen semlor. They're that good.

My doc at the psychiatric hospital has let me go. It was sort of mutual. I am at a stable level and have been for the last year (because I always lie when he asks me how I am doing) and there is nothing else they can offer me that I haven't tried before. My regular doctor will be responsible for my prescriptions from now on, so we'll see how that goes.

My cheat meal of the week was nine McD nuggets with curry dip and an apple pie.

Help, I've fallen and can't get up

 What a week. Why can't I sleep? Why is my weight loss so slow? Don't answer that, please.

Weight: 85.5 kg (-0.5 kg)/188.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 38

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8 kg/17.6 lbs

I had this week's cheat meal on Friday, when li'l bro and I went to see mum and we had take-away. Orange chicken, spicy lime chicken and fried rice for me, with a large lingonberry juice.

I have fallen into the hole that is Amberlynn Reid. I was just going to watch a reaction video on YouTube by Sean of Steel (love that guy) and now I can't stop. One part of me feels sorry for her childhood and one part, the largest part, makes me want to slap some sense into her. Stop eating all that junk! Get moving! Be nicer to people, especially your girlfriends (poor Destiny, I really liked her)!

I've finally started using my cross trainer. Holy crap, my legs! I can't do any long stretches yet, but I get on it several times a day. I do not calculate calories burned because that doesn't matter since I don't eat them back (it's too imprecise for me).

In my quest for the ideal dinner I have decided to give shirataki noodles another go. I went online to one of my two favourite Japanese/Asian stores and ordered both ramen and udon spice mixes to spice them up a bit. Eating 650 calories a day is fine, albeit a bit boring, but even if I eat shirataki noodles with a curry sauce the whole day is still under 1000 calories so I should be okay. Right?

I've been bitching about how the only thing that's slimmed down so far are my ankles, but today in the shower I noticed that I now can see my navel. My stomach used to be so big and taut that the navel was sort of underneath, but now it has migrated north. It's those little things.

What I eat in a day, photo edition:

Brunch (12:30pm) is a protein shake (ice coffee) with collagen and Dulcosoft Plus (to soften my stool). Not pictured is the unsweetened almond milk (250 ml). ~237 calories.

Dinner (4pm) is one of three different miso soups. 160 ml, 30 calories.

Or...

Rose hip soup or blueberry soup, both without added sugar. 36/38 calories for 200 ml.

Evening meal (7pm) is an ice lolly, a carrot, two crisp bread, and, as a backup, one out of two N!CK's protein bars (coconut or peanut caramel). ~375 calories.

My daily supplements. Oxytarm (to get my bowels moving), Silicea, PlaqueOff, Sun, vitamin D with ginger and turmeric, B complex with vitamin C, and Omega 3 Forte (I take 2000mg).

I added the rose hip and blueberry soups so I get some variety. I don't feel comfortable eating soy every day, because it can fuck up your thyroid.

Depressing update (sorry)

I am so mad at myself. I didn't sleep the night before Friday and of course it showed on the scale: I gained Friday and ended up higher on Saturday than on Thursday. I had lost a kilo and was under 86 kilos ffs!😠

Weight: 86 kg (-0.7 kg)/189.6 lbs (-1.5 lbs)

BMI: 38.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 7.5 kg/16.5 lbs

I've changed my diet again. The chicken just didn't work anymore; I almost puked and that was the end of that. Now I'm having a protein shake with unsweetened almond milk (instead of water) and collagen powder for breakfast (~240 kcal), miso soup for dinner (30 kcal), then two crisp bread, a carrot, a protein bar, and an ice lolly in the evening (~375 kcal). A bit over 640 calories, less if I skip the protein bar. MFP is not happy with me.

I have been super triggered lately after seeing my brother's fiancée for the first time since Christmas. She's on a diet and you can already see it on her face. She's a big girl, not as fat as me though, and I feel like a fucking hippo next to her. My face still looks fat, but hey, my ankles are even slimmer! Awesome.

My cheat meal this week was half a sub (turkey, sweet onion dressing) which I didn't finish because it was drenched in dressing although I told the idiot I just wanted a little, and a chocolate chip cookie. I also had a Jarritos Guava.

A woman complimented my feet a couple of days ago; she thought they were cute (I wear size 36/5.5 US/3.5 UK). That is the kindest someone has been to me since I lived in the States ages ago and a woman said I was cute (she was high as a kite). Not even my exes told me anything like that, on the contrary. After we broke up, the last one told me how embarrassed he had been over my looks after his work mates and brother told him how fat and ugly I was. So, yeah, that was fun.

I had a meeting with my diabetes nurse on Friday morning (that's why I couldn't sleep the night before). I asked her if I could quit Metformin and try Rybelsus (oral Semaglutide) instead, since I have heard a lot of good about Rybselsus and weight loss. She shot that down pretty quickly, because she thinks I can lose the weight without it just because I've lost 30 kilos (66.1 lbs) since my all-time highest of 116 kilos (255.7 lbs). I just wanted to cry. I want to stop taking stackers because I know what they're doing to my heart, but I just can't cope on my own. I can't tell her that though, because stackers are illegal in my country and I sure as hell don't want to be labelled a druggie.