On the wagon, again

  I have started with rather heavy restriction again, trying to quickly lose the extra weight I gained when my life collapsed. I allow myself 1100 calories per day (TDEE minus 500 calories) but this week I usually ate less. My average from Sunday 14th to Friday 19th was 916 calories per day (Saturday is cheat meal-day). The only thing I didn't count were my six kinds of supplements per day.

Weight: 86.1 kg/189.8 lbs

BMI: 38.3

Weight loss since July 14, 2024: -1.5 kg/-3.3 lbs

Highest weight this week was 88.7 kilos/195.6 lbs on the 16th, so I lost 2.6 kilos/5.7 lbs in three days. I barely slept the night Friday/Saturday so the scale didn't move Saturday morning.

My meal plan this week has been very ARFID Plus/OCD-ish. Protein shake with added collagen powder made with unsweetened almond milk (instead of water) for breakfast (240 kcal); dinner 150 g of quark (80 kcal) or yoghurt (120 kcal); and evening meal of four thin small crisp bread with two wedges of Laughing Cow cheese and two ice lollies (320 kcal). I allowed myself one extra ice lolly (55 kcal) during the day if I felt the urge to binge, as well as one Pepsi Max (2 kcal). I had some normal-sized crisp bread with vegan caviar twice and THREE extra ice lollies one night when I couldn't sleep.

This week's Saturday cheat meal was supposed to be half a sub from Subway and perhaps even a chocolate chip cookie, but then life happened and I just couldn't make myself take the bus downtown, so I had a ProPud Chocolate Milkshake, some chocolate chip cookies, two crisp bread with vegan caviar and a small bowl of cherries instead.

Sleeping and eating myself to death

 I gained seven kilos when everything fell apart. I sleep most of the time and have "breakfast" at 2pm (a protein shake) and then I eat a humongous amount of crap in the evening after I've gone to bed at 6pm. Sleep is such a sweet release.

I cut off all my hair, pretty much, and dyed it black. I've had red hair since I was 16, with short breaks for pink and purple.

I'm seeing my doctor in a week's time. We're going to discuss changing my diabetes medication. I just want some fricking semaglutide, how hard can it be? I have diabetes so what's the effing problem? I don't want to change my GP office, but if that's what it's going to take to find a doctor who takes me seriously, what choice do I have?

Up the creek

 Well, at least it's down.

Weight: 83.7 kg (-0.5 kg)/184.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 37.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 9.4 kg/20.7 lbs

I am ten kilos/twenty-two pounds from my normal weight as an adult. I used to think I was super fat (which I honestly was) but that's 43 kg/94.8 lbs from my highest. My next goal is to be under 80 kg/176.4 lbs.

I bought a new pair of summer jeans two sizes too small. I tried them on yesterday and even though I had to lie down to zip them up, I'm counting on losing enough weight by summer to be able to stand without them cutting me in half.

Cheat meal of the week was sushi. I haven't had sushi in over two months and have been craving salmon for the past week.

I calculated my BMR and TDEE on My Fitness Pal. BMR was 1369 kcal and TDEE was 1642. For cutting calories, at 500 kcal a day, I got 1142. I am thinking of upping my calories to 1200 from 1000, but I can't decide. That number scares me. Maybe I'll give it a week and see what happens.

I have fucked up pretty much everything regarding my family and within the next one or two months my lies will come out and shit will hit the fan and I won't have any family left, which honestly is nothing less than I deserve. I am so stressed I feel like throwing up all the time.

So tired

 I haven't taken stackers for several days, I needed a break (should be eight weeks on, two weeks off).

Weight: 85.7 kg (+0.9 kg)/188.9 lbs (+1.9 lbs)

BMI: 38.1

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 7.4 kg/8.2 lbs

As soon as I stop taking stackers I gain, a lot. I hate taking stackers, I hate hate hate it, but what choice do I have? I have to see a doctor next week for something else and if it's my personal GP I am going to ask her about Rybelsus again. I can't go on like this.

Depressing update (sorry)

I am so mad at myself. I didn't sleep the night before Friday and of course it showed on the scale: I gained Friday and ended up higher on Saturday than on Thursday. I had lost a kilo and was under 86 kilos ffs!😠

Weight: 86 kg (-0.7 kg)/189.6 lbs (-1.5 lbs)

BMI: 38.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 7.5 kg/16.5 lbs

I've changed my diet again. The chicken just didn't work anymore; I almost puked and that was the end of that. Now I'm having a protein shake with unsweetened almond milk (instead of water) and collagen powder for breakfast (~240 kcal), miso soup for dinner (30 kcal), then two crisp bread, a carrot, a protein bar, and an ice lolly in the evening (~375 kcal). A bit over 640 calories, less if I skip the protein bar. MFP is not happy with me.

I have been super triggered lately after seeing my brother's fiancée for the first time since Christmas. She's on a diet and you can already see it on her face. She's a big girl, not as fat as me though, and I feel like a fucking hippo next to her. My face still looks fat, but hey, my ankles are even slimmer! Awesome.

My cheat meal this week was half a sub (turkey, sweet onion dressing) which I didn't finish because it was drenched in dressing although I told the idiot I just wanted a little, and a chocolate chip cookie. I also had a Jarritos Guava.

A woman complimented my feet a couple of days ago; she thought they were cute (I wear size 36/5.5 US/3.5 UK). That is the kindest someone has been to me since I lived in the States ages ago and a woman said I was cute (she was high as a kite). Not even my exes told me anything like that, on the contrary. After we broke up, the last one told me how embarrassed he had been over my looks after his work mates and brother told him how fat and ugly I was. So, yeah, that was fun.

I had a meeting with my diabetes nurse on Friday morning (that's why I couldn't sleep the night before). I asked her if I could quit Metformin and try Rybelsus (oral Semaglutide) instead, since I have heard a lot of good about Rybselsus and weight loss. She shot that down pretty quickly, because she thinks I can lose the weight without it just because I've lost 30 kilos (66.1 lbs) since my all-time highest of 116 kilos (255.7 lbs). I just wanted to cry. I want to stop taking stackers because I know what they're doing to my heart, but I just can't cope on my own. I can't tell her that though, because stackers are illegal in my country and I sure as hell don't want to be labelled a druggie.

Tired

 I only lost 0.3 kg/0.66 lb this week, but considering I've barely been sleeping for several days I'll take it. At least it's down.

Weight: 87.1 kg (-0.3 kg)/192 lbs (-0.7 lb)

BMI: 38.7

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 6.4 kg/14.1 lbs

After some waffling I decided to try 5:2 (intermittent fasting) again. Didn't work; I ended up binging during the night. 

I woke up at 1pm Saturday so no cheat meal that day; had my sub today Sunday instead. Half white bread, turkey, vegs (salad, pickles, extra red onion, black olives) with a little bit of sweet onion dressing, as well as salt and pepper. I also had a chocolate chip cookie because they are the shit.

It's 6pm and I'm off to bed.

Updated diet and macros

 FINALLY! I have finally passed 88 kilos! I've been gaining and losing the same two kilos over and over again, but today, glory of glories, I am down to 87!

Weight: 87.4 kg (-1 kg)/192.7 lbs (-2.2 lbs)

BMI: 38.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 6.1 kg/13.4 lbs

This weeks cheat meal was nine nuggets from McD with curry sauce and an apple pie. I cannot fathom how I could eat 20 pieces on my own, back when. Nine almost floored me!

I've already grown tired of wax beans, so I decided to eat mixed beans instead with my chicken; borlotti beans (a.k.a. cranberry beans), kidney beans and cannellini beans (a.k.a. white kidney beans), all fairly high in protein. I also changed my macros at MFP to a higher protein number and a lower carb limit.

I've been weighing myself daily instead of just Saturdays, and lately Wednesdays to check that I'm on the right track. I don't know if I'll keep doing that, because the last time I weighed myself everyday it spiraled out of control, but it is so satisfying seeing the graph slope downwards - until it doesn't. Then I usually binge because fuck it, I'm always gonna be fat so who cares, and down that road madness lies.

I stopped taking Olanzapine/Zyprexa without consulting my doctor. What I feared most wasn't the paranoia or the hallucinations, but that my sleep would get even worse, which is exactly what happened, so I'm back on it again. It truly is the Devil's crack cocaine though and I am tired of being ravenous with hunger every night after I've taken it, but being awake just makes me bored and then I eat because I have zero self-control when I'm bored, so it is what it is. I was on a fairly low dose, 10mg, but started taking 20 mg. I need my sleep.

Bye, bye 2023

 I lost 100 grams! Wohoo! But, seriously, I'm just glad I didn't gain because I had TWO Christmas dinners; one pre Xmas and one on Xmas Eve. The diet gods were kind. I also had 2+2 hoppy IPAs, home-brewed by my BIL. I rarely drink, maybe once or twice a year, so I got a bit drunk, but not blotto. It was fun.

Weight: 88.1 kg/194.2 lbs

BMI: 39.2

Weight loss since Sept 16: 5.4 kg/11.9 lbs

So, the last day of 2023. What a year. I hope 2024 will be better; hopefully the year when I reach my target weight and get debt free. The year when I exchange my pink bracelet for a red one. I know it's sick to wish for Ana, but I am sick of being fat, I am sick of eating. I want to be so skinny that I rot from view.

I saw the crush on the bus as we were getting off yesterday. I almost swallowed my tongue and didn't dare say Hi. I haven't seen him since last spring; I thought he left town. But I don't want him, not in that way. I want what we had, which was fun and easygoing banter. I still identify as asexual and have no desire to change that.

I cut my hair for the first time in four and a half years. It was down to my waist, now I have an undercut and a bit longer on top. It feels wonderful to get rid of all that hair. I stopped cutting it when I broke up with my ex, so now it feels as if I have gone past the grief onto the other side. I feel free.

This is the pic I showed my stylist and what I got, except I have henna red hair

Just for fun I calculated how much I would weigh in a year's time if I eat 1000 calories a day. One calculator said 58 kilos, the other 50. Either way, I would be very happy being under 60 by next Christmas. I'm not greedy.

Correction

 I gained this week according to my scales, but I am 99% certain that is a lie. I didn't lose over 3 kilos last week, that is just not possible. I also only weighed myself once; I usually do it 2-3 times just to be sure.

Weight: 90.1 kg/198.6 lbs

BMI: 40

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.4 kg/7.5 lbs

Since I didn't really gain this week, I decided to have a McD cheat meal anyway; nine nuggets, a medium fries, OJ and an apple pie.

I've been quite ill this week, in either a really bad cold o the 'rona. I was so tired I just went from my bed to the sofa and back. I was awake two nights despite being dog tired and kept my calorie intake under 1400 two days, under 1200 twice and under 1000 twice.

I upped my stackers to two a day to get the buzz back. I hope it will show next Saturday.

One nice thing is that I evidently have lost weight on my legs (not just the ankles) because I've had to buy new pants. I bought two pair of slim fit stretch jeans, one pair of thick sweatpants and one pair of lined pants because it's so cold right now. I am currently wearing lined pants, sheepskin slippers, a t-shirt, a knitted sweater, a thick cardigan and fingerless gloves. It was so cold last night I had to wear a cardigan and gloves plus a thick extra blanket to bed. But I'm not complaining, I love this weather. It's been snowing all day and if we're lucky we'll have a white Christmas for once.

Starting over

 I fell off the waggon HARD. Pretty much everything important in my life is currently going to hell. I owe so many people so much money I'll never get out of debt unless I win the lottery or something. I have zero stress tolerance and when things go awry I make a run for the only comfort I know: food.

Weight: 93 kg/205 lbs

BMI: 41.3

Weight loss since Sept 16: 0.5 kg/1.1 lbs

I had to take a break with my stackers. You should go eight weeks on, two weeks off, but I only took one week off because I don't dare wait any longer. I've eaten so much junk food since my last post it's not even funny.

Bugger

 Oh, darn it. Gained almost a kilo. I blame it on lack of sleep and a day of comfort eating after some personal crap bobbed its head up (again).

Weight: 90.5 kg (+0.9 kg)/ 199.5 lbs (+2 lbs)

BMI: 40.2

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3 kg/6.6 lbs

Except for that one day of stress eating I've been keeping it rather low-cal this week. I've started eating Greek yoghurt for dinner; 118 kcal for 150 grams, will change brand to a low fat one the next time I go shopping (90 kcal/150 gr). No cheat meal this Saturday due to the weight gain, since the cheat meal is a reward for a week of weight loss. I haven't eaten any ice cream at all in four weeks, but I still have an ice lolly (55 kcal) at night. I switched stacker brands and hope that will show next weigh-in. I have also changed my calorie intake at My Fitness Pal, from 1200 to 1000 kcal per day.

I looked up my ideal weight (link here) and it's between 41.6 and 56.3 kilos (91.6-123.8 lbs). That's the first time I've seen my ideal weight under 50 kilos. I'm 150 cm tall (4'11"), so 50 kilos (110 lbs) isn't exactly being a skeleton. 

Here we go again

So, back on the diet wagon again. Stacker, obviously; 1200 kcal a day (My Fitness Pal). Saturdays, when I weigh myself in the morning, I will have a cheat meal (usually sushi or half a sub from Subway). I might attempt to do intermittent fasting in four-week rounds (14:10, 16:8, 12:12, 18:6). 

Exercise will be on a cross trainer (gym is out of the question, walking will be added after losing enough so my dodgy hip doesn't kill me).

Height: 150 cm/4'11

Weight: 93.5 kg/206.1 lbs

BMI: 41.6

 97.5 kilos/215 lb