Bye, bye 2023

 I lost 100 grams! Wohoo! But, seriously, I'm just glad I didn't gain because I had TWO Christmas dinners; one pre Xmas and one on Xmas Eve. The diet gods were kind. I also had 2+2 hoppy IPAs, home-brewed by my BIL. I rarely drink, maybe once or twice a year, so I got a bit drunk, but not blotto. It was fun.

Weight: 88.1 kg/194.2 lbs

BMI: 39.2

Weight loss since Sept 16: 5.4 kg/11.9 lbs

So, the last day of 2023. What a year. I hope 2024 will be better; hopefully the year when I reach my target weight and get debt free. The year when I exchange my pink bracelet for a red one. I know it's sick to wish for Ana, but I am sick of being fat, I am sick of eating. I want to be so skinny that I rot from view.

I saw the crush on the bus as we were getting off yesterday. I almost swallowed my tongue and didn't dare say Hi. I haven't seen him since last spring; I thought he left town. But I don't want him, not in that way. I want what we had, which was fun and easygoing banter. I still identify as asexual and have no desire to change that.

I cut my hair for the first time in four and a half years. It was down to my waist, now I have an undercut and a bit longer on top. It feels wonderful to get rid of all that hair. I stopped cutting it when I broke up with my ex, so now it feels as if I have gone past the grief onto the other side. I feel free.

This is the pic I showed my stylist and what I got, except I have henna red hair

Just for fun I calculated how much I would weigh in a year's time if I eat 1000 calories a day. One calculator said 58 kilos, the other 50. Either way, I would be very happy being under 60 by next Christmas. I'm not greedy.

Happy holidays!

 I went awol there for a while. Life has been chaos. But now I'm back, and lost almost two kilos in one week.

Weight: 88.2 kg/194.4 lbs

BMI: 39.2

Weight loss since Sept 16: 5.3 kg/4.2 lbs

Yeah, the past two weeks were pretty awful. And that's all I have to say about that.

Went to my sister's yesterday for a pre-Christmas dinner. My brother and his fiancée are working Christmas Eve (the big day in Sweden) so we met up together with mum and had a awesome time. No Christmas food, but spare ribs, fried chicken, potato salad, grilled cabbage, my brother's finacées cheese cake, my BIL's home-brewed IPA and other beers; it was so good and so much fun. Got home at 9.30 pm, woke up for a moment at 3 am because I was throwing up in my sleep and then had a hard time falling back to sleep, but when I did, I slept until 2 pm. And tomorrow I'm heading back for more.

Correction

 I gained this week according to my scales, but I am 99% certain that is a lie. I didn't lose over 3 kilos last week, that is just not possible. I also only weighed myself once; I usually do it 2-3 times just to be sure.

Weight: 90.1 kg/198.6 lbs

BMI: 40

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.4 kg/7.5 lbs

Since I didn't really gain this week, I decided to have a McD cheat meal anyway; nine nuggets, a medium fries, OJ and an apple pie.

I've been quite ill this week, in either a really bad cold o the 'rona. I was so tired I just went from my bed to the sofa and back. I was awake two nights despite being dog tired and kept my calorie intake under 1400 two days, under 1200 twice and under 1000 twice.

I upped my stackers to two a day to get the buzz back. I hope it will show next Saturday.

One nice thing is that I evidently have lost weight on my legs (not just the ankles) because I've had to buy new pants. I bought two pair of slim fit stretch jeans, one pair of thick sweatpants and one pair of lined pants because it's so cold right now. I am currently wearing lined pants, sheepskin slippers, a t-shirt, a knitted sweater, a thick cardigan and fingerless gloves. It was so cold last night I had to wear a cardigan and gloves plus a thick extra blanket to bed. But I'm not complaining, I love this weather. It's been snowing all day and if we're lucky we'll have a white Christmas for once.

Phew

 I'm back on track, thank the gods. Down 3.3 kg (7.3 lbs) since last week.

Weight: 89.7 kg/197.8 lbs

BMI: 39.9

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.8 kg/8.3 lbs

I ate over 1500 calories three days and under 900 calories twice. I was awake two nights. No cheat meal last week due to the massive weight gain.

I couldn't really afford a cheat meal this week, but the cravings (and the great weight loss) warranted some sushi. Almost 900 calories in one go, but that's as usual. I've got a week to work it off.

I ate about 2/3 of it

If I lose a kilo a week I will be under 70 kilos by my birthday. A girl can dream, right?

Guess where I've lost the most weight? Not on my face, which would be lovely, but on my ankles. How fucking pathetic is that? My socks don't roll down anymore because my calves are too fat, that's how I noticed.

Starting over

 I fell off the waggon HARD. Pretty much everything important in my life is currently going to hell. I owe so many people so much money I'll never get out of debt unless I win the lottery or something. I have zero stress tolerance and when things go awry I make a run for the only comfort I know: food.

Weight: 93 kg/205 lbs

BMI: 41.3

Weight loss since Sept 16: 0.5 kg/1.1 lbs

I had to take a break with my stackers. You should go eight weeks on, two weeks off, but I only took one week off because I don't dare wait any longer. I've eaten so much junk food since my last post it's not even funny.

Is it worth it?

 I am in utter chock. I shouldn't be, because I didn't sleep for three nights in a row (my medication order was fucked up, didn't have sleeping tablets for three nights straight), but THIS?! I want to cry.

Weight: 90.5 kg (+ 0.7 kg)/199.5 lbs (+3.7 lbs)

BMI: 40.2

Weight loss since Sept 16: 4 kg/6.7 lbs

There are no words.

Another milestone!

 I am finally under 89 kilos! I had to weigh myself twice because I didn't believe it the first time. 

Weight: 88.8 kg (-0.8 kg)/195.8 lbs (-1.7 lbs)

BMI: 39.5

Weight loss since Sept 16: 4.7 kg/10.3 lbs

I haven't weighed under 89 in years. I've lost over 27 kilos (just under 60 lbs) since my highest, at 116 kg (255.7 lbs) with a BMI of 51.6, which is class III obesity/morbid obesity. Now I'm down to class II obesity, barely.

I ate over 1300 kcal three days this past week, but kept under 1100 kcal the other days. I was awake one night, but managed to get a few hours sleep in the morning.

My cheat meal yesterday was tacos: three hard shells, vegan mince, cheese, taco sauce, creme fraiche light, and veggies; totaling under 450 kcal. This was the second time I've had tacos in the four years since I broke up with my ex, because as much as I love tacos, I hate chopping veggies. That was his job.

Well, at least it's down

 I forgot (!!) to take a stacker Friday because I woke up late and man, was that day hard to get through. Three days I ate between 1300 and 1500 calories, so that have to stop. Christmas is coming and I need to get into that dress.

Weight: 89.6 kg (-0.5 kg)/197.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 39.8

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.9 kg/8.6 lbs

I pigged out on McD's for my cheat meal. A lot was purchased. I didn't eat all of the fries, thank God (it's my nemesis) but had a couple of bites of a McFeast Chicken (no tomato, extra onion), a whole apple pie, and a McFlurry Daim. This following week will have to be extra stringent. I've filled my fridge with non-fat Greek yoghurt (2 kilos!), apples, and pressed lemon juice for my ice water. I'm still eating low fat, zero sugar quark (kvarg) for breakfast, because just the thought of having a proper brekkie just makes me gag. I don't like eating in the morning, I prefer brunch, at 12:30pm (while watching Emmerdale :D). I'm most hungry when I've gone to bed, after taking my night pills (one of them is Olanzapine, a.k.a. the devil's crack cocaine, but I have to take it and it makes me RAVENOUS). Some crisp bread, an ice lolly, some chocolate, and a sliced Granny Smith apple usually keep the binges away, but not always. 

I take twelve + one different medications per day (the "one" I only take when needed, it's a mild sedative). My whole day is just pills. Morning pills to get me up and to get me through the day without killing myself or others, pills to not die, pills to not eat, pills not to go crazy, pills to sleep.

Tiny steps in the right direction

 Well, at least I lost a bit this week, even if it wasn't much. Went to a funeral on Friday with the obligatory *fika* afterwards where I tried not to eat myself silly. Their "sandwich cake" (smörgåstårta) was to die for, no pun intended. I was awake two nights, eating quite heavily during one, so I feel I have to be content with my minimal loss.

Weight: 90.1 kg (- 0.4 kg)/198.6 lbs (-0.9 lbs)

BMI: 40

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.4 kg/7.5 lbs

This weeks cheat meal was half a sub from Subway: turkey breast on white bread, salad, pickles, olives, extra red onion, and half a serving of sweet onion dressing (I hate soggy bread); 300 kcal all in all. I had a double serving of café au lait as dessert (120 kcal).

My new stacker makes me shake like a mofo, especially my hands, which I guess is a good sign. I don't have any cravings during daytime anymore; it's only in the night when the stacker has worn out that the urge to binge comes.

I'm a bed snacker, i.e. I want something when I'm lying in bed reading or watching Youtube (true crime, poker, pimple poppers, or archaeology). Before the diet it meant something like cookies or candy, anything sweet, really, and/or buttered pop corn. Now I eat Granny Smith apples instead. I keep them in the fridge so they are cold and extra crispy, then I slice them very thinly. If I want it really fancy I put the slices in a plastic bag, add cinnamon and shake it. Delicious!

Bugger

 Oh, darn it. Gained almost a kilo. I blame it on lack of sleep and a day of comfort eating after some personal crap bobbed its head up (again).

Weight: 90.5 kg (+0.9 kg)/ 199.5 lbs (+2 lbs)

BMI: 40.2

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3 kg/6.6 lbs

Except for that one day of stress eating I've been keeping it rather low-cal this week. I've started eating Greek yoghurt for dinner; 118 kcal for 150 grams, will change brand to a low fat one the next time I go shopping (90 kcal/150 gr). No cheat meal this Saturday due to the weight gain, since the cheat meal is a reward for a week of weight loss. I haven't eaten any ice cream at all in four weeks, but I still have an ice lolly (55 kcal) at night. I switched stacker brands and hope that will show next weigh-in. I have also changed my calorie intake at My Fitness Pal, from 1200 to 1000 kcal per day.

I looked up my ideal weight (link here) and it's between 41.6 and 56.3 kilos (91.6-123.8 lbs). That's the first time I've seen my ideal weight under 50 kilos. I'm 150 cm tall (4'11"), so 50 kilos (110 lbs) isn't exactly being a skeleton. 

In the eighties!

 I'm in the eighties! Not by much, but still, I'm under 90 kilos and that makes me very happy! I honestly didn't think I'd lose anything this week due to some bad food choices, but the dieting gods were kind.

Weight: 89.6 kg (-0.6 kg)/197.5 lbs (-1.4 lbs)

BMI: 39.8

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.9 kg/8.6 lbs

The Saturday cheat meal was sushi and next week it might be pizza; I haven't decided yet. 

I miss ice cream. 

Goal one done and over with!

  I am under 200 lbs! Next goal is getting under 90 kg. I lost almost two kilos this week and I am super happy with that. Sleep has been so much better and I've had good control over food. No more ice cream, which is tough, let me tell ya, but I still eat one or two mini ice lollies in the evening (55 kcal each).

Saturday's cheat meal was... bread. Li'l bro and I went home to mum's and stayed all day, so we had coffee, sandwiches and blueberry pie. But, oh, it was delish. It was also dinner for me (didn't eat for the rest of the evening, except for an ice lolly in bed) so hopefully I'll stay on track.

Weight: 90.2 kg (-1.9 kg) /198.9 lbs (-4.1 lbs)

BMI: 40.1

Weight loss since Sept 16: 3.3 kg/7.2 lbs

The first week

 A day late, but here's Saturday's numbers.

Height: 150 cm/4'11"

Weight: 92.1 kg (-1.4 kg since Sept 16)/203 lbs (-3.1 lbs)

BMI: 40.9

It was a good week foodwise. I cut out some foods altogether (such as bread) and cut down on others (such as ice cream). Yesterday's cheat meal was a Chicken McFeast and an apple pie from McD's. 

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked (I can easily lose half a kilo over night if I sleep) and didn't exercise at all. The stackers helped immensely, especially against cravings and with portion control, my two major stumble blocks.

Here we go again

So, back on the diet wagon again. Stacker, obviously; 1200 kcal a day (My Fitness Pal). Saturdays, when I weigh myself in the morning, I will have a cheat meal (usually sushi or half a sub from Subway). I might attempt to do intermittent fasting in four-week rounds (14:10, 16:8, 12:12, 18:6). 

Exercise will be on a cross trainer (gym is out of the question, walking will be added after losing enough so my dodgy hip doesn't kill me).

Height: 150 cm/4'11

Weight: 93.5 kg/206.1 lbs

BMI: 41.6

 97.5 kilos/215 lb