MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING Suicidal ideation - I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape

If you can read this I am dead. I scheduled it to post a couple of days after my chosen day for death, so I could delete it if I survived.

I am drowning in debt. I can't pay any of it back.

I've also committed a crime and the minimum punishment for it is six months in jail (up to two years) and since I have pleaded guily I will end up incarcerated. That means I will lose my apartment and all my belongings. I will lose my beloved cat. He is nineteen in August and deserves so much better than what I can give him.

C'est fini.

C'est Fini

 So it finally happened. My family has reported me to the police. I've been summoned to a interrogation in January. Since it is categorized as severe I could go to jail for 2-6 years. I have also got a final notice gone to the bailiffs and there will be more. 

There isn't anything left of my life. I have to make sure my cat will be taken care of; then there isn't much else to do.

It could have been better

 Well, at least it's down.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 75.9 kg (-1.1 kg)/167.3 lbs (-2.5 lbs)

BMI: 33.8

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 10 kg/22.1 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 180

Monday - 0

Tuesday - 2481

Wednesday - 753

Thursday - 947

Friday - 720

Saturday - 1750 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

I started eating again. I thought keeping under 1000 calories would be enough, but obviously not, so I will try to go back to heavy restricting next week.

Turns out I did ovulate a few weeks back when my weight loss stalled, because I just got my period, i.e. three drops.

Had a large cheat meal Saturday: a Big Mac, a small fries, and a Daim McFlurry. Shouldn't have had the Flurry, too much lactose for my poor stomach. Lesson learned. I also had a roll of Menthos Fanta and six Japanese Yuzu gummies.

Finally

 I think it's safe to say that I finally broke that damn plateau around 79 kg. 

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 77 kg (-1.7 kg)/169.8 lbs (-3.7 lbs)

BMI: 34.2

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 8.9 kg/19.6 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 534

Monday - 457

Tuesday - 314

Wednesday - 379

Thursday - 224

Friday - 379

Saturday - 302 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

I've been so weak from not eating enough, but I don't have anything to eat, really, except for crisp bread. I tried to drink my protein shakes with water but it was worse than pond water. 

My sleep has been kinda bad this week too, mainly because we're in the middle of the November Sumo tournament. Due to the time difference between Sweden and Japan the broadcast doesn't start until 1.30am and if I'm awake at that time I will watch it (in bed) until it ends at 10am.

No cheat meal Saturday. I have American pancake mix and Kraft Mac n Cheese, but both felt too rich on an empty stomach.

Not enough

 My weight has fluctuated a lot this week, mainly because my sleep has been abysmal.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 78.7 kg (-0.1 kg)/173.5 lbs (-0.2 lbs)

BMI: 35

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 7.2 kg/15.9 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 901

Monday - 898

Tuesday - 1130

Wednesday - 1005

Thursday - 783

Friday - 778

Saturday - 862 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

There's one and a half week until I get paid and I have zero money. Zero. I have one carton of almond milk left, but thankfully a lot of protein powder, which I can make with water (yuck, though). Some cheese, a box of Finn Crisp bread. No protein bars, no grapes. No wet food for my cat, only kibbles which he hates.

Obviously no cheat meal this week.

Down, down, down

 I officially started with Rybelsus 14mg Tuesday morning, although I've been taking 14mg since last week (2x7mg). The nausea has been bad.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 78.8 kg (-1 kg)/173.7 lbs (-2.2 lbs)

BMI: 35

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 7.1 kg/15.7 lbs

Calories:

Sunday - 803

Monday - 817

Tuesday - 686

Wednesday - 726

Thursday - 685

Friday - 499

Saturday - 688 (cheat meal day/weigh-in day)

I can't believe it; I'm under 79 kilos! Another milestone crossed out, heading for the next one at 73 kg (my weight at uni). I've lost over 37 kilos (81.6 lbs) since my highest. I wish I had photos from then; I've only got photos from when I was 97.5 kilos/215 lbs.

So yeah, I caved. I bought red grapes, but kept them locked up and only took out 100 grams (75 calories) for my evening meals. Totally worth it, will do again.

The cheat meal this week was Japanese curry with Japanese rice. I ate a few spoons, felt sick, threw away almost a full meal. I hate wasting food.

Plateauing

 I've been eating under 800 calories this week and still stayed the same weight. Frustrating, but what can you do. My sneaky period has been playing around (I think it's been three months since I last had one) or maybe I'm just plateauing. I am also not sleeping as well as I should.

Starting weight Sept 6, 2024: 85.9 kg/189.4 lbs (BMI: 38.2)

Weight: 79.8 kg (0 kg)/175.9 lbs (0 lbs)

BMI: 35.5

Weight loss since Sept 6, 2024: 7.9 kg/13.5 lbs

I renewed my Rybelsus prescription in the middle of the night Thursday/Friday asking for 14mg, with one blister pack of eight 7mg pills left. I didn't have high hopes of getting it approved but they didn't object, so the pills will arrive Monday or Tuesday. Friday morning I decided I didn't want to wait and took two 7mg pills. I'm still not paying for my medications (perks of living in a socialist hell hole) but in the end of November my "high-cost protection" for the year ends so from then I have to pay 2500 SEK (250 USD) for my meds until I reach another year without having to pay. It won't take long, since my Rybelsus alone costs over 3000 SEK (around 300 USD) but it's a lot of money in one go and I'm not looking forward to it.

My Saturday cheat meal was supposed to be Kraft's Mac n Cheese, but I wasn't that hungry so I had a protein shake instead; Cinnamon bun flavour, my new favourite.

I'm craving red grapes. But I won't cave, no sir, I won't. Really.