TW

 Last week I wrote that I had a month or two before everything blew up in my face. Well, it happened quicker than that. Tomorrow, Sunday, my family will find out what I have done. I am terrified. What if they call the police? I am blocking everyone on IG and FB, and on my phone. I can't leave my apartment in fear of being jumped by my family. What if they get the landlord to open the front door?

I have written a suicide letter, just in case. I need to make sure my cat is taken care of. Everything is prepared.

Up the creek

 Well, at least it's down.

Weight: 83.7 kg (-0.5 kg)/184.5 lbs (-1.1 lbs)

BMI: 37.2

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 9.4 kg/20.7 lbs

I am ten kilos/twenty-two pounds from my normal weight as an adult. I used to think I was super fat (which I honestly was) but that's 43 kg/94.8 lbs from my highest. My next goal is to be under 80 kg/176.4 lbs.

I bought a new pair of summer jeans two sizes too small. I tried them on yesterday and even though I had to lie down to zip them up, I'm counting on losing enough weight by summer to be able to stand without them cutting me in half.

Cheat meal of the week was sushi. I haven't had sushi in over two months and have been craving salmon for the past week.

I calculated my BMR and TDEE on My Fitness Pal. BMR was 1369 kcal and TDEE was 1642. For cutting calories, at 500 kcal a day, I got 1142. I am thinking of upping my calories to 1200 from 1000, but I can't decide. That number scares me. Maybe I'll give it a week and see what happens.

I have fucked up pretty much everything regarding my family and within the next one or two months my lies will come out and shit will hit the fan and I won't have any family left, which honestly is nothing less than I deserve. I am so stressed I feel like throwing up all the time.

I want candy

 I lost a fairly good chunk of weight this week, despite no sleep for two nights and quite a lot of candy.

Weight: 84.2 kg (-0.7 kg)/185.6 lbs (-1.6 lbs)

BMI: 37.4

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.9 kg/19.6 lbs

Every afternoon and evening for the past week I've had candy. I measure up 150 g (5.3 ounces) in a small miso soup bowl and lock the rest up in a box with a timer. I think I might have had my period or am ovulating; that's usually when I get candy cravings, and I mean cravings like I could murder someone for a piece of praline.

After my stacker break I decided to start taking one a day, but had to up it to two again to get the kick. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

This week's cheat meal was from McDonald's: half a Big Mac and a Happy meal with half a dry-ass McChicken, a full small fries, and half a bag of apple slices. And a toy; a My Melody plushy. It was too much and I burped Big Mac all evening. Last week I had two chicken souvlaki and a veggie souvlaki (Greek skewers) and I think I might have it next week too, because it was sooo good.

The scab where my seborrheic ketosis was fell off. It's still a crater, but at least it looks better now that it isn't bright red. Kitty kat's scab also seems to get better, which hopefully means he won't need antibiotics. I took the cone off to see if he can leave it alone, otherwise it goes back on.

Poor kitty

  A tiny loss, but I have been poppin' candy like a mad woman. Stress eating galore.

Weight: 84.9 kg (-0.2 kg)/187.2 lbs (-0.4 lbs)

BMI: 37.7

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.2 kg/18.1 lbs

I am so fucking tired of reading about people losing weight on semaglutide (people who doesn't even have diabetes) and here I am downing stackers because my doctor don't want to prescribe me Rybelsus.

The good news: the spot on my nose is probably not cancer. The doc I saw said it's likely Seborrheic keratosis, and I quote from Wikipedia: "seborrheic keratosis is a non-cancerous skin tumour that originates from cells, namely keratinocytes, in the outer layer of the skin called the epidermis. Like liver spots, seborrheic keratoses are seen more often as people age." So, Mother Nature is basically telling me to stop lying about my age. There is another name for SK in Swedish. Gubbmossa. That means "old man's moss." The doctor simply lifted it off with her nails (she was wearing gloves) and exposed the raw skin under. It didn't hurt and still doesn't; I clean it a couple of times a day with alsol and have another appointment next Friday. It does look like a crater, though.

The bad news: my cat has a big boo boo. He developed a bump under his jaw that had to be cut open and emptied of pus and now he has to wear a cone and is miserable. I have to force feed him anti inflammatory meds and pain killers once a day. Next vet appointment is on Monday, and hopefully the tests will show it was just a boil and not cancer. I can't afford cancer.

Google is not your friend

 I gained, but that's not my biggest problem right now.

Weight: 85.1 kg (+0.5 kg)/187.6 lbs (+1.1 lbs)

BMI: 37.8

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8 kg/17.6 lbs

I took my last penicillin pill Thursday and my first stacker Friday. The spot on my nose is no better so I'm heading to the GP Tuesday so they can write me a referral to a dermatologist. I am worried. I've had/have two relatives with skin cancer; one died.

Oh my.

  Well, well, well, I actually lost weight.

Weight: 84.6 kg (-1.1 kg)/186.5 lbs (-2.4 lbs)

BMI: 37.6

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 8.5 kg/10.6 lbs

I've been on antibiotics since Monday a week ago because of a mysterious spot on my nose. The doctor (not my usual one) couldn't say what it is, so he prescribed antibiotics and if it doesn't get better I have to get back to him. I decided to stop taking stackers for the duration so I've been *clean* for over a week. I haven't really watched my eating, so I was very surprised when I weighed myself yesterday and had lost over a kilo in one week. It's only because my stomach is VERY upset due to the antibiotics. I haven't been able to leave my flat in several days. I was supposed to have Easter dinner at my sister's on Saturday, but had to stay home because I didn't dare taking the bus so far (30 minutes).

So tired

 I haven't taken stackers for several days, I needed a break (should be eight weeks on, two weeks off).

Weight: 85.7 kg (+0.9 kg)/188.9 lbs (+1.9 lbs)

BMI: 38.1

Weight loss since Sept 16, 2023: 7.4 kg/8.2 lbs

As soon as I stop taking stackers I gain, a lot. I hate taking stackers, I hate hate hate it, but what choice do I have? I have to see a doctor next week for something else and if it's my personal GP I am going to ask her about Rybelsus again. I can't go on like this.