On the wagon, again

  I have started with rather heavy restriction again, trying to quickly lose the extra weight I gained when my life collapsed. I allow myself 1100 calories per day (TDEE minus 500 calories) but this week I usually ate less. My average from Sunday 14th to Friday 19th was 916 calories per day (Saturday is cheat meal-day). The only thing I didn't count were my six kinds of supplements per day.

Weight: 86.1 kg/189.8 lbs

BMI: 38.3

Weight loss since July 14, 2024: -1.5 kg/-3.3 lbs

Highest weight this week was 88.7 kilos/195.6 lbs on the 16th, so I lost 2.6 kilos/5.7 lbs in three days. I barely slept the night Friday/Saturday so the scale didn't move Saturday morning.

My meal plan this week has been very ARFID Plus/OCD-ish. Protein shake with added collagen powder made with unsweetened almond milk (instead of water) for breakfast (240 kcal); dinner 150 g of quark (80 kcal) or yoghurt (120 kcal); and evening meal of four thin small crisp bread with two wedges of Laughing Cow cheese and two ice lollies (320 kcal). I allowed myself one extra ice lolly (55 kcal) during the day if I felt the urge to binge, as well as one Pepsi Max (2 kcal). I had some normal-sized crisp bread with vegan caviar twice and THREE extra ice lollies one night when I couldn't sleep.

This week's Saturday cheat meal was supposed to be half a sub from Subway and perhaps even a chocolate chip cookie, but then life happened and I just couldn't make myself take the bus downtown, so I had a ProPud Chocolate Milkshake, some chocolate chip cookies, two crisp bread with vegan caviar and a small bowl of cherries instead.

Trust me on the sun screen

  I finally got the test results from my nose thingy. It was an actinic granuloma, not cancer, nothing that had spread. It is a benign tumor that develops on sun damaged skin, especially in Nordic countries. Wear fucking sun screen, people.

Had a meeting with my GP this morning. No semaglutide. Am pissed as HELL so I am back on stackers (took one month off) although I really don't want to, but I weighed in at 88.7 kg (195.6 lbs) BMI 39.4. Fuuuuck. So, stackers, 1000 kcal, start using my mf crosstrainer, weigh-in every Wednesday and Saturday (Saturday being the official day, Wednesday just to check progress). I am tired, pissed, and feel a bit defeated.

Sleeping and eating myself to death

 I gained seven kilos when everything fell apart. I sleep most of the time and have "breakfast" at 2pm (a protein shake) and then I eat a humongous amount of crap in the evening after I've gone to bed at 6pm. Sleep is such a sweet release.

I cut off all my hair, pretty much, and dyed it black. I've had red hair since I was 16, with short breaks for pink and purple.

I'm seeing my doctor in a week's time. We're going to discuss changing my diabetes medication. I just want some fricking semaglutide, how hard can it be? I have diabetes so what's the effing problem? I don't want to change my GP office, but if that's what it's going to take to find a doctor who takes me seriously, what choice do I have?

Ouch

  This morning I had what I figured was a first meeting before scheduling surgery for the thing on my nose. The surgeon explained what she would do and all that, and then she said, "right, I think we're ready." "For what?" I asked. She looked at me as if I was a bit slow and said, "the surgery?" My jaw hit the floor.

I had no idea.

So now I have this giant-ass plaster on my nose and look like I was in a fight.

Fuck

 I sent the proof of my crime to my mother yesterday. She'll probably receive it tomorrow, and then I will have no family left. Oh, gods, I don't want to think about it. People will want to beat me up. Will mum call the cops? Possibly. And I still can't pay my bills this month. I am so utterly fucked.

Apothanein Thelo

 A week ago, at 11.10 pm, the cops rang my doorbell. My brother had contacted them, prompted by my mother, to do a welfare check. The Police had first contacted the emergency psych ward to see if I had been admitted.

I haven't answered the phone during all this time. My mother has tried to reach me sometimes twice a day. I text back to my brother when he text me. I also blocked people so they can't contact me on Instagram or Facebook. The shame is killing me.

I have debts up to 14,000 SEK (1500 USD) this month and 700 SEK in my account.

TW

 Last week I wrote that I had a month or two before everything blew up in my face. Well, it happened quicker than that. Tomorrow, Sunday, my family will find out what I have done. I am terrified. What if they call the police? I am blocking everyone on IG and FB, and on my phone. I can't leave my apartment in fear of being jumped by my family. What if they get the landlord to open the front door?

I have written a suicide letter, just in case. I need to make sure my cat is taken care of. Everything is prepared.